Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Anguish and Joy

I am currently in a James bible study at the church I attend and it could not have came at a more perfect season in my life.  We all go through trials in life but it is how we choose to deal with these challenges that make us who we are.

This is only the 3rd week of the study and I have learned so much about me and about who God is.  First of all, God does not place trials in my life to see if I can make it through. However, God is there for me through every trial. He wants me to lean on Him and ask Him for guidance but I have to ask.  James 1:12 is a beautiful verse. "Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love him."  Our Father wants to help us and more than anything be the one we lean on, turn to, and seek when we are struggling.  He wants to give us the eternal life with Him that He promised us.

Secondly, I have learned that anguish and joy can and do coexist.  "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials." James 1:2  I am at a time in my life that I am experiencing an overwhelming feeling of anguish but also great joy.  My feeling of anguish are made up of pain, anxiety, and dread.

Never at age 22 did I believe that I would be divorced.  But this is where I am in my life and I  have to decide how to deal with these feelings. I could either bottle them up and blame God for the things that I have been through or I can ask God for help and lean on Him.  Choosing to rely on someone else is not easy, even if we are talking about God. I have to humble myself before Him and others. I prayed that God would surround me with other Christians that are full of wisdom. I am in a bible study with 40 other Christian women who are FULL of wisdom. Praise God! However, that is not enough. I have to share with these women what is happening in my life in order for them to share their wisdom and be able to pray for me. I have to trust. God is asking me to trust Him. Not just a little bit but with everything. This is hard for me coming right out of a divorce. I also have to trust those people that are in my life to help me and support me. And the hardest person to trust is myself. I have to trust that I am making the best decisions for me and Colson. I have to trust that I have the strength to make it through this.

Sometimes when we are going through times like these it is easy to only see the negative things or things that hurt. But since I have spent time with God these last few months my eyes have been opened!

My family has been extremely supportive of me. I have always been blessed with having my mom and dad around. They have always been loving and giving to my brother and I. Going through a divorce has shown me they have never stopped.  I have great joy in knowing I have a family like this.  I hope that I can give Colson the same support and love that my parents give to me.

I also find joy in knowing how great my friends are.  During my divorce and even to this day they text, call, stop by, help with tasks that aren't necessarily fun, stay with me, take me out of my house, and the list goes on.  They have been a huge blessing.

I find joy in the comfort of living in a small town.  I have lived in Emmett for 22 years. So many people have reached out to me and I could not be more thankful.

Most importantly, I was so confused in the beginning of my marriage how I was suppose to be happy about being pregnant.  I didn't feel ready and I was afraid. But God knew I could handle it and needed this. I went from having a broken heart and losing my husband to divorce to being so in love with this little boy! I already have such a connection with Colson and he brings joy to my life everyday. God gave me Colson to show me what pure and real love looks like. The love between a child and parent.  The same kind of love that God has for me. How beautiful is that?!

I have learned through my divorce that I can lean on God and He will be faithful. I still have bad days mixed in with my good days and need to accept support anyway I can.  Being humbled and asking for help along with prayers will continue to get me through.  I know that down the road I will be thanking God for even more of the lessons I will learn through this experience.  I have learned that it is okay to feel anguish and joy at the same time.  And,  my anguish can turn to joy!

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